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If ignorance is bliss, then I'm willing to wager that this is a pretty happy world.
If we are the only intelligent creatures in the universe, at least there is a finite number of idiots.
I'm sorry, I haven't divined that information yet. Let me consult the oracle.
You're nobody until someone hates you.
Satan was an optimist. (during discussion of Paradise Lost)
If this were the best of all possible worlds, no one would notice.
You know what my problem is? My problem is I keep dying.
Sleep is always better when you get some.
Welcome to the apartment, where even the cobwebs talk.
Talk to the hand, 'cause the devil ain't listenin'.
I wanna be able to spit lizards.
I don't know. My life just doesn't appeal to me today. I think I'll pass.
-Life: it's overrated if you ask me.
-I don't think I'm gonna do it.
I think you need killing a lot more than I do.
Yeah, she's skanky. He should want us.
We're waiting for her to get to the whorehouse; I'm sure things will pick up then.
[She's] strong. And she bites.
If I was knocking things before I tried them, I never would have ended up a lesbian.
If you don't wanna redeem yourself, I can't make you. You hafta want it.
If you're gonna chain up people in your bedroom, one is hardly enough.
Well, unfortunately, I can't stay for the end of the world. I gotta go to work.
See this car? My mother knitted it. It started out as a potholder and ended up a DeSoto.
The new chocolate Pope: it's sacrilicious!
-You're not omnipotent?
-That's beside the point.
-Can I be stupid?
-It's too late. You already know too much. If you were going to be stupid, you should have started earlier.
Death is not sexy to me.
Even an idiot can get lucky sometimes.
-We're not in the future.
-We will be.
-You know what I like about cows?
-They're tasty?
It's the positive energy. Run toward it, like lemmings.
We screw up slightly less than everyone else.
Have you ever tried to take chocolate from a female?
I may, perhaps, be less psychotic by Monday.
I think I've lost my mind. I've shot myself in the head too many times today.
You know what? Everybody's evil.
Science was cool...we blew things up sometimes.
I'm thinking that I'm not wearing the right shoes to go kick him in the ass.
Ho's are people, too.
-Modern porn stars can't have mustaches.
-Why not?
-Too ticklish.
Yes, Mind. This is important. Pay attention, please.
I'm thinking of selling my body, so if you know anyone who's interested. (singing) Anyone want a slightly used body?....
Pregnancy: the disease that lasts anywhere from a matter of months to the rest of your life, depending on how you treat it.
I'm looking at the education section [of my resume], and I'm like, "Damn, I'm smart."
Be good. And if you can't be good, don't get caught.
Most people want to die in a normal way, like getting hit by a UPS truck.
-They took away all my power and left me here, sad and alone.
-I never had any power,
so it's hard to feel sympathy.
I deserve a piece of junk just as much as anyone else.
I've always aspired to be rich, but it just hasn't happened yet.
-I'm having difficulty figuring out what to say to this person.
-"I hope you die" is
always a good start.
Yes. Please laugh at me. Thank you.
You are getting more and more vulgar. I love it.
You shouldn't take pictures of other people's misfortunes. Most of the time.
I'm getting morals. I've never had morals before.
For ten dollars, I can fill my own monkey.
Man, I ain't getting killed for you.
Cthulhu can take care of himself. He's fucking Cthulhu for Christ's sake.
It's not that you don't attract people; it's just that you attract dorks.
J*** is showing me his bling bling again.
See. I'm learning. I could almost be a geek.
There's no one here who could be called an expert.
She looks like she cares. Look at her caring.
Hey. Pay close attention to this: You're a moron.
Do you need me to dress up like a chicken, like last time?
How sad do you have to be if you have to go to a job fair to get a job at the Sunoco?
-Why do you pester me?
-Because I'm bored, and you're funny.
I like it when they let you walk right up to the nature and take its picture.
I want to be a bonfire.
-They're in Brooklyn.
-That's too bad.
They just blew so much smoke up my ass that I'm on fire.
I'm flailing on the inside.
You have a Master's degree in education and you don't want to teach. So I think that working here is not the stupidest thing you've ever done.
You don't think, "I bet this is good for me" as the grease is dripping down your hand.
I hate it when things are in Latin.
I could survive in prision, as long as no one, you know, killed me.
It smelled like that time my dog found a dead woodchuck and rolled around in it and came into the house.
One of the girlfriends is a lot cheaper than the others.
Hey! You have pants on now!
I'll be the squirrel.
-I have a sexiness factor of 52.
-Out of what?
-Percent. I don't have a sexy bone in my boody.
Oh. Drugs. Yay!
You’re not supposed to tell people when you come to work on percoset, you’re just supposed to enjoy it.
There are losers everywhere.
The post office is the biggest scam going.
Party day does not mean no work gets done all day.
-It's starting to smell nasty in here.
-What do you mean starting?
If you have a plasma TV that's $3000 or more, it doesn't have to like you. It's better than you.
I'm walking along, minding my own business...all of a sudden there's a penny in my ass.
It all happened one day when I got bit by a radioactive clown...
Well, fucking is always a viable option.
You never know what people have in their drawers.
Did you bring your imaginary friends in to work again?
I’d be better of buying a bunch of crack that fell of a truck. I’d be able to sell that from my house. I could just sit on the porch. People would come into the parking lot, and I’d be like, “Hey, you gettin' a pizza? Want some crack?”
Don't make me break out "The Jackhammer".
-I'm sorry I killed you. -That's all right. Don't let it happen agaiin.
We'll do that thing with the ba...bowling.
If it was the 1960’s she wouldn’t be calling the cable company, she’d be at home baking a cake, and her husband would have to call the cable company.
I walk by you and all I hear is “sucks ass”.
We have a little black rain cloud hanging over us. The cloud says "FUCK!"
He’s been out for a really long time. I wonder if he died.
A taco, cookies and a soda is not a "Mexican Fiesta." -It's crap.
People love Jesus.
If I was drunk, this would be a lot better.
-Oh my God! What is that?
-I assume you are referring to the sunbeam.<
"Is the internet broke?" What the hell kind of question is that?
I agree with the thing about the thing. And also yes to the other thing.
-Did you just say what I think you just said?
-If what you think I said was, "Oh, baby," tthen yes.
-I keep forgetting that you are the center of my universe.
-Well, everything needs some big and sedentaary to revolve around.
Sometimes is better than never.
I could wash clothes...or I could go buy new socks.
-Are you killing him again?
-Because that’s the way he should be. He’s wrong the other way.
I do meditation now, but not that often. I’m too stressed out to meditate.
I can’t think of any place I would less like to be than here. Except maybe dead.
-Oh, you have to touch me?
-Yeah, couldn't you just...massage my aura?
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